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Scheduling Sex Can Be Sexy (I’m Serious!)

Marriage
I don't know how many times I have heard people say that scheduling sex takes the fun out of the whole thing. My own husband wasn't too keen on the idea either when I first brought it to his attention. However, we gave it a shot, and now I'm hooked! This post is for you if you're struggling with intimacy in your marriage. Click through to read!

The title of this blog post probably sounds like a huge joke to you if you’re anything like I was in the beginning of my marriage. I was sure that scheduling sex was for older people with kids. I was sure that my husband and I would have no problem making time for sex. I was sure that the problem would be too muchย sex instead of tooย littleย sex. I’m sure you’ve gathered by now that I was oh so wrong in those assumptions. ๐Ÿ˜‰

 

“Scheduling sex doesn’t take the romance out of it, it just makes it a priority in your marriage.” – Marriage 365ย 

 

I don’t know how many times I have heard people say that scheduling sex takes the fun out of the whole thing. My own husband wasn’t too keen on the idea either when I first brought it to his attention. He expressed a desire for complete spontaneity in our intimate life, and he wasn’t down for the idea of a schedule. When we sat down to talk, I basically said the same to him thing that I’m going to share with you today.

 

I know that you want spontaneity in your marriage. But is your intimacy with your spouse at the level you want it to be?

 

If so, great! However, that was SO not the case in our marriage. Spontaneity meant good intentions and sexy plans at the beginning of the day, but as soon as the work day was done and fatigue set in, I just wasn’t in the mood at all. Spontaneity turned into….sponta-neverhavingsex. (Keepin’ it real!) Maybe it was the combination of a hectic work schedule + trying to find our groove after practicing abstinence in our engagement, but things didn’t click for the first 6 months of our marriage. Six months of downhill intimacy led to six months of downhill communication, laughter, emotional connection, overall happiness in the marriage, etc. Basically, we were in a BIG RUT.

 

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Related: ย My Intimacy Experiment…and How it Changed Our Marriage

 

One of the first things that I started to see when I finally got the courage to dig into marriage development books was this idea of scheduling sex. I don’t know why it took so long before, but it finally clicked for me. “Oh! We don’t have kids yet, but we do have busy schedules! We schedule everything else, so why not schedule sex…” After talking with Alex and getting on the same page, we set out to make our marriage intimacy schedule. We have tried everything from putting it on a calendar to talking about it daily to having sex even when neither person wanted it because…it was on the schedule. (I don’t recommend that last one.) My point is, we have gone through some growing pains with this scheduling thing, and I finally feel like we have a bit of a handle on it. As with all things, when something works in our marriage, I want to share it! This post isn’t meant to be a step-by-step instruction for how many times a week you should be having sex, because that’s different for all couples! But, I think there are a few things I can share that may help along the way. Below are 5 things that help when trying to figure out this scheduling sex thing. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Talk to your Spouse

While brainstorming for this post, I felt like this was a total no-brainer at first. However, it only took me a minute of thinking to realize that there have been so many things that I have been nervous to talk to my husband about. This hasn’t been one of those things, but I know that it might not be that way for you. Intimacy in marriage can be such a touchy and vulnerable topic at times. When you start to feel nervous about breaching the conversation with your husband, remember who he is. He’s the one who stood on the altar with you and vowed to keep you forever and ever. Your godly marriage is a safe place, and you can take comfort in your husband’s love to ease your fears a bit if you’re struggling with bringing up this topic. Whatever you do, talk about it. It’s kind of hard to schedule intimacy if the other person doesn’t know you’re trying to do it.

 

Be realistic

It’s really easy to put sex on the calendar 7 nights a week, but it might be a bit harder to actually find the time to have sex every night. (Maybe not for you two, but for us, 7 nights a week is a lot! However, I’m sure my husband would be jumping for joy. Ha!) Come up with a number of days a week that work for the two of you, and don’t be afraid to change it as you go along. I have found that it’s easier to plan for fewer days in the beginning to keep from getting overwhelmed, and adjust as you go!

 

take advantage of date night

You’re having date night regularly, right? If not, go fix that right now! I’m not going to go into it a ton, but date night is essential to keeping the romance alive!ย As far as scheduling sex goes, date night is really important with this topic as well. It’s very likely that when you get into the topic of sex and the frequency of it in your marriage, you’ll touch on other topics regarding your intimate life as well. If you’re anything like us, the moment you start getting serious about sex, it starts to feel like each and every night needs to be pure fireworks. Trying to make every sexual encounter with your spouse like a scene from a movie is going to have you feeling pretty overwhelmed.

 

This is where date night comes in!

 

Alex and I quickly discovered that having sex on a more scheduled and regular manner didn’t mean that we automatically had more time for it. It’s okay to grab a quickie if that’s what you’ve got time for! (I’m just sayin’. Ha!) Sometimes, super steamy and passionate sex just happens! And sometimes, you’ve only got ten minutes. Basically. don’t complicate things. Scheduling sex doesn’t mean that you need to be planning out extravagant 6 hour love-making sessions 4 times a week. It means that you’re making your spouse and regular intimacy a priority. If you find that your schedule is still jam packed, make time on date night to really enjoy each other. Doing that will take the pressure off the other days of the week!

 

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Related: ย Submitting to Your Husband: ย The Basics

 

Take time to get in the mood

This is (by far) my favorite part about scheduling sex! Before, when we were relying solely on spontaneity, Alex and I didn’t always mesh when it came toย when we wanted sex. Often, I would put it off because I “wasn’t in the mood”. There was often an excuse of a headache, things to be cleaned, work to be done, or just being too tired from work. We don’t run into that problem nearly as much now that we have started scheduling our intimacy!

 

“Why is that?”

 

If I know that intimacy is likely to happen, I can take the time that I need to make sure those excuses don’t exist. If I’m not feeling well, I will take a bath or go do something relaxing to put myself in a great mood. If there are things to be done, I can plan to get them done some other time or ask Alex for help to avoid worrying about it when it’s time to be focusing on each other. If I know that I’m going to be tired from work, I can plan my day to take it easy or get a nap to remedy that. When we know that intimacy is coming and we have made it a priority, I’m more able to make time to cut out the distractions and enjoy sex with my husband!

 

make it your own, and make it fun

No two marriages are alike, so you’ve got to find what works for you! You might need to write each day down on the calendar and circle it with a heart. Or maybe you just need to have a quick discussion at the beginning of the week, and you’re good to go. It could even be something as simple as increasing the amount of dialogue about sex so that both of you know what to expect from each other. Whatever it is, find what speaks to the two of you. AND realize that there is probably going to be some trial and error as you find what works best for you. You don’t have to settle with the first type of scheduling that you try. Try new things, check out Pinterest and blog posts, and dig into marriage development material if you need more ideas!

 

Lastly, have fun. Scheduling sex doesn’t mean that you’re automatically going to act like a robot and never have fun with it again. It’s a tool to make sure you get some with your spouse! If you know you’re supposed to have sex a certain night, take the time to send some flirty texts or leave notes around the house. There are a million things you can do to make it fun and increase the anticipation! If you go into it with a negative mindset, you will have a negative outcome. Look at scheduling sex as a new challenge to tackle, and work together to find ways to make it super fun! It’s not about making it perfect, but about finding what works for the two of you and growing closer together because of it.

 

Let’s chat! Do you and your spouse schedule intimacy? What things have you done to make it more fun?ย 

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2 Comments

  • Reply
    Carmen | MarriedbyHisGrace
    August 14, 2016 at 12:17 am

    Wow, first of all, thank you for your courage and boldness to write about this topic. Secondly, I love how you got all your points across and still kept it simple and modest. You wrote this topic excellent!
    This is actually right on time for me. It opened my eyes to a lot on this topic. We do go through seasons we have to schedule sex. We have 4 children. A 13, 9, 2 year old and a 10 month old so its pretty exhausting plus our youngest has endured 4 surgeries in his few months of life and so that means you are also taking all the medical needs home with you which puts more exhaustion on top of the normal baby exhaustion. Needless to say, there needed to be a time we had to schedule for awhile. Sex is so important for both spouses and I’m so happy you are encouraging women on this topic.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      August 14, 2016 at 11:53 pm

      Thanks for your support! I always get a bit nervous when writing these posts. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’m so glad that this resonated for you, and I’ll be praying for you and your family!

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