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My Intimacy Experiment

Faith, Marriage
Finding joy in intimacy in marriage is something that hasn't always come easy to me! If you struggle with the same things, this post is for you! I'm sharing my struggles, getting candid, and sharing what I have learned along the way! Click through to read!

 

I have been so excited to write this post for a few weeks now, but I wasn’t sure how to start! Well, I still don’t know how to start this, but I’m going to just dive into it anyway! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Intimacy in marriage can be sort of a touchy subject for some, but I’m braving the topic because it’s SO DARN IMPORTANT! Creating more and better intimacy in our marriage has changed our relationship drastically, and I’m hoping that this post will do the same for you if you find your marriage struggling.

 

Disclaimer: ย I’m going to be REALLY candid in this post. I’ve spoken with my husband, and we both agree that these things are hard to share but that we need to in order to share our truth with you. This post will discuss things that might be controversial and that are also quite personal to us. I encourage you to read the post in it’s entirety and show kindness with your comments. Thanks! Let’s do it!

 

(*This post contains affiliate links.)


P.S. I have no problem talking about sex in marriage if it’s helpful to you! Make sure to leave a comment below when you’re finished reading if you would like more posts involving intimacy in marriage!ย 


First, let me give you an inside look into the state of our marriage before this little “experiment”.

 

For the first year of our marriage, Alex and I have been doing what I would assume most newlyweds do…we have been pushing past the growing pains and trying to figure it all out. We had the same simple struggles as everyone else such as figuring out who would do the dishes after we both have had a long day at work, how much time apart do we need in order to stay sane and not kill each other, and how to make it through a fight without screaming so loud the neighbors can hear. ๐Ÿ˜‰ We’ve done pretty well with figuring those things out, but the topic of intimacy in our marriage has always been a difficult one.

 

Here are a few of our “stats” to illustrate why it’s been so difficult…

  • Alex and I were not sexually pure when we married. We had both been intimate with other people and also each other before we made the decision to follow God’s commands and abstain until our wedding.
  • My love language is Words of Affirmation and Alex is a Physical Touch guy, so it was often difficult to understand what the other person needed.
  • After abstaining from sex for our engagement and feeling some shame about my previous intimacy sins, I wasn’t as quick or as comfortable to jump back into it as my husband was. This created many arguments that ultimately led to further distance in our sex life.
  • Alex admitted months into our marriage (after lying) that he had continued to watch pornography into our relationship and marriage. He stopped, and then started back up a few weeks later.
  • Up until the Intimacy Experiment, I wasn’t very excited about the idea of having sex and I didn’t make much effort to hide it while being intimate. I was a very selfish lover.

 

I’m sure that there are many things I could list, but I think you get the point. Husband who struggles with a pornography habit from his past who just wants to be loved and shown affection by his wife in the form of intimacy. He feels hurt by his wife’s seemingly nonexistent desire to have sex, and doesn’t feel emotionally cared for. Wife who doesn’t feel confident and isn’t quite as comfortable with the concept of sex after admitting to sexual sin in the past. She is hurt by her husband’s desire to watch pornography and doesn’t understand how he could want that AND also to be intimate with her as well.

 

It was a horrible cycle, and I honestly wasn’t sure how to get us out of it. Alex did his part as a husband and apologized for the pornography, stopped it altogether with the grace of God, and provided so much love and support in trying to get us back on track. But something in my brain just wasn’t clicking when it came to sex. I still didn’t want it.ย 

 

So what the heck did we do to fix it??

 

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1. I didn’t expect my husband to change

Now, don’t get me wrong here! This is not to say that he wasn’t going to have to change or that he wouldn’t be willing to change! However, for the longest time, I was finding myself always leaning on him to fix things. He must be the one with the problem, right? ๐Ÿ˜‰ Ladies, you know what I mean! I realized that if things were going to change inย all areas of our marriage, I was going to have to figure out this “sex thing” and do my part to make a change. It took me a long time and a lot of Jesus, but I finally realized that if there is a problem…it starts with ME to fix it! So I started my intimacy experiment. I decided to see what would happen if I made sex more of a priority in our relationship!

โ€œIf you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.โ€ -Theodore Roosevelt

 

2. I started my Intimacy Experiment with learning

This sounds kinda weird, huh? Ha! I haven’t met anyone yet that goes around telling the entire world that she needs to learn more about how to be a servant lover and a good sexual partner…so here we go! I’ll say it, “I needed help!” You may be wondering why sex was such a struggle for me since I had partners before my husband. Girlfriend, that isย exactly why there was a problem!

 

I try my best not to have regrets, because I know that God has a perfect plan for us all…but if I had one regret, it would be that I had sex before marriage! Beingย intimateย with other people before being with my husband created an unrealistic and sad representation of what sex really should be like! I wasn’t used to having a completely safe place to unveil my whole self, and when I realized that’s what sex in marriage is, I froze. Literally. All confidence seemed to go out the window as I realized that sex in marriage is aย totally different thing. I was used to giving my body, but not my heart and soul as well. I didn’t know how to be the complete, vulnerable, responsive, servant lover that my husband deserved me to be. I was scared!

 

I started learning about how to be a servant lover using books, YouTube videos, blog posts, and Pinterest! Keep in mind, I wasn’t actually learning how to have sex, but how to be present, responsive, excited, and unselfish in the bedroom. This learning process has been all about figuring out what God intended for sex in marriage and how to honor God through my relationship with my husband. I’ll leave some of my favorite resources down at the bottom of the post for you to check out!

Related: ย 5 Ways to Guard Your Marriage

 

3. I kept my word and followed through

This has been huge for us! Before starting my intimacy experiment, I would often make excuses for why I didn’t want to have sex, head off to work, and then feel terrible for it while I was at work away from my husband. I would then promise a grand romantic experience upon arriving home from work, AND…I wouldn’t follow through. By the time I got off work, rode the bus to my car, made my way through traffic while trying to stay awake after a long shift, and opened the door to the house, I just wasn’t in the mood for sex anymore. You know what I mean, right? It can be hard when you’re just so dang tired!

 

This third change that I made was all about making sure that if I made a promise, I stuck to it! If I said I was going to come home and be intimate with my husband after a long day at work, I came home and was intimate with my husband after a long day at work. Simple as that!

 

The thing that has really helped me break through my pattern of not following through has been realizing that I don’t have to be inย the mood to have sex with my husband! Through a lot of my reading, I have learned that women tend to get excited about sex during sex…not before! Now, of course, there will be times when I’m ready to just jump in bed with my husband and go to town! But for the most part, I’ve learned that most women get in that elusive “mood” AFTER sex has already begun!ย Instead of saying no when I just don’t feel like it, I am now saying yes more often because I know that within a few minutes, I’ll be happy as can be and ready to have fun! Give it a try, girlfriend!

 

4. I asked myself a simple question…

“Would I enjoy making love to someone if they were putting in the effort that I am right now?”

 

Looking back, the answer to this question would have been “heck no” a lot of the time! Now, I’m learning to ask myself this question when I feel like maybe I’m not being as much of a servant lover as I could be! Our husbands don’t want us to just lay there and pretend to be interested. They want a willing and excited wife who is thrilled to explore intimacy and becoming closer as one! Asking myself this question often ensures that I’m putting my husbands needs before my own and makes for an amazing experience for both of us.

 

Related: ย Scheduling Sex Can Be Sexy (I’m serious!)

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What things have I learned/gained with this “experiment”?

  • Becoming more intimate and being more involved with the process instead of just “getting it over with” has increased our connection so much! We are closer and more in sync than ever in all areas of our marriage!
  • Laughter and communication come more naturally now! With the stress of sex behind us, we are able to focus more on having fun! When problems arise, we are better able to talk about them and be respectful of each other, because everyone feels emotionally supported.
  • The more you “do it”, the more you want it! Now that we are having sex regularly and it’s getting better and better, I actually crave that connection with my husband! I’m more excited to be close to him than ever!
  • I get more of the things I need in our marriage. I had no idea that sex was such an emotional thing for men! I always thought that my husband was just being a “guy” when he expressed his need for more intimacy. Now, I know that it’s truly a way for him to feel emotionally secure. Because I’m making him feel that way now, he’s better able and more willing to make sure that my emotional needs, such as kind words and a listening ear, are met!
  • The sleep lost is worth the happinessย afterward! One of my biggest excuses for not wanting to take the time to be intimate has been sleep. I never seem to get enough! I realized that taking the time to have sex and feel connected is well worth the loss of a little sleep! After that intimate time, both of us are so much happier and more relaxed, and it’s well worth any sleep that I might lose!

 

I hope that this post has encouraged you in your marriage, because it has been pretty hard to write! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Below are some of my favorite resources for intimacy in marriage!

(Items with an *ย next to them are affiliate links. Learn more about what that means for you, here!)

 

These are not all of the resources out there, so get out there and search for answers! Don’t forget to pray!ย 

 

Let’s chat! Did you find this post helpful?ย Would you like to see more posts on the topic of intimacy in marriage? Let me know below!

 

 

 

 

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85 Comments

  • Reply
    Sean
    May 20, 2017 at 4:52 pm

    This just hurt my heart to read.

    Let me just say what a lucky man your husband is. My wife and I have been married a loooong time now, but our story is just like yours up to the point where you conducted your experiment.

    As a man, I struggle to find the words to express the hopeless, crushing anguish that I feel as a result of my wife just not understanding what sex means to me. I’m dumbstruck that you seemed to grasp this so quickly. I’d convinced myself that this emotional NEED of mine to feel like my wife actually APPROVES of me or WANTS to be with me was something that women just couldn’t understand. It re-opens old wounds to learn that may not be the case.

    It’s too late for us, the damage is done, and at this point, it’s irreparable from my perspective, but THANK YOU for putting this out there for other women to read.

    For whatever credibility it can lend, here’s the broken shell of a husband praying that the women reading this will take it to heart.

    God bless.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      June 18, 2017 at 3:23 pm

      Thanks so much for providing another perspective! It makes me sad to read what you wrote, but it’s so brave of you to share it! I’ll have you in my prayers!

  • Reply
    LeNae
    March 17, 2017 at 9:36 pm

    Wow, thank you for posting this! I truly believe God sent me here for a reason. I have to say, I am in a similar situation to you and prayed for guidance! Thank you again!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      March 24, 2017 at 9:09 am

      God works in such amazing ways to give us exactly what we need! Keep the faith, and I know God will bless you in this area!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      March 24, 2017 at 9:10 am

      God works in great ways to send us exactly what He knows we need! Keep praying, and I am sure that God will deliver in this area in your life. Thank you so much for reading!

  • Reply
    Moses
    February 16, 2017 at 8:09 am

    Hi, Iam Moses all the way from Bangalore India, I read the article and it is so true not just from the perspective of women but even from men. After 7 years of marriage i understood and we sat and discussed a lot about the feeling of pre sex, intercourse and post sex. Then we did some experiments and it let us to the same feeling of this article. Planning for sex is one sure thing which keeps you excited all day and so fresh. I can keep on writing it never ends until death parts us. Glory be to God and my saviour Jesus Christ.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      February 21, 2017 at 1:17 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and sharing! It’s great to get a man’s perspective on this issue! With God and willing and open hearts, we can create great marriages!

  • Reply
    Hannah
    February 2, 2017 at 6:06 pm

    Thank you for sharing! While reading I thought oh my gosh this is me! I’m happy that there are other people out there who feel the same! I will definitely take what you learnt and try it for myself x

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      February 21, 2017 at 1:16 pm

      You are absolutely not alone! Keep praying and working towards the intimacy that you two desire!

  • Reply
    terricheney
    January 22, 2017 at 5:09 pm

    I’m not a newly wed but I will say that this is a wonderful bit of writing. It’s honest and realistic. A few years ago, I was chronically tired. I mean falling into bed at 8pm sort of tired. In an intimate conversation one night my husband said that ‘every other night’ was pretty much his ideal. I vowed to myself that every other night was what it would be for one solid year. What happened? For one solid year, I followed through. I might go to bed at 8pm on ‘my’ nights but I stayed up until he was ready to go to bed on ‘his’ nights. I needed to sacrifice that need for sleep for him. I discovered that he over estimated his desire but I also discovered that my willingness to be intimate, and letting go of my pride in order to ask for intimacy, and letting go of my hurt when he wasn’t interested in intimacy, built up a foundation of confidence and trust between us that was all out of proportion to the act of sex itself. I truly believe that the year trial welded our marriage into a far more powerful one. We aren’t having sex every other night and sometimes not even every week, but we CONNECT every day in an intimate way and I lay it at the feet of being willing to TRY.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      February 21, 2017 at 1:12 pm

      I love that you touched on how we need to let go of the hurt if our husbands have a night in which they don’t want to have sex. Sometimes, it can be hard to do, but I need to work on that as well!

  • Reply
    MsKlassik
    January 13, 2017 at 6:04 pm

    This brought tears to my eyes! I thought it was just me. I feel exactly how you felt and I want to make sure my husband needs are met.

    Thank you for writing this!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      January 16, 2017 at 2:49 pm

      You are DEFINITELY not alone! Keep making progress and praying!

  • Reply
    Robsgirl
    December 19, 2016 at 5:18 pm

    My husband and I have been married for 9.5 yrs we’ve learned to never start learning how to be a better husband and wife.
    My husband’s favorite saying, in regards to Intimacy in marriage is, “practice makes perfect”๐Ÿ˜‰
    I enjoyed your candidness, and perspective, thanks for sharing

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      December 31, 2016 at 1:23 pm

      I LOVE THAT! Practice makes perfect ๐Ÿ™‚ So true and a fun take on it!

      • Reply
        Y
        January 3, 2017 at 8:15 pm

        What do you do when the roles are reversed? In my marriage my husband struggles with intimacy and vulnerability. Any advise?

        • Reply
          Carisa Alford
          January 16, 2017 at 10:10 am

          I would advise the same thing to him as I would to a woman! It’s all about seeking out the answers to the problem you both are dealing with! I highly recommend doing the study together in the book Intimacy Ignited (my husband and I are doing that together now) because it’s a no pressure way to help him in this area without pointing the finger at him. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Reply
    Brianna
    December 18, 2016 at 5:42 pm

    Love this honesty from a sister in Christ! Thank you and keep it up! Stuff like this makes a difference in the Body of Christ and is so needed!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      December 31, 2016 at 1:22 pm

      You are so kind, and that encourages me so much. Thank you!

  • Reply
    Kayla Hamilton
    December 9, 2016 at 1:33 pm

    I love this! So insightful! My husband and I were also not pure going into marriage we actually had our daughter before we were married and then when we got engaged and got right with God, we remained abstinent until marriage! Anyways! I love everything about this post, I feel like intimacy in marriage needs to be talked about more!! Looking forward to reading other posts! ๐Ÿ’œ

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      December 31, 2016 at 1:20 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting! It’s so encouraging to meet other women with the same experience!

  • Reply
    N.
    December 8, 2016 at 5:59 pm

    Hi Carisa,

    What I appreciate most about your post, is the fact that you both took steps to communicate about the issue – and work towards a resolution. And you were able to do it shortly after getting married.

    I’ve been married for 20 years…and my wife and I have failed miserably at intimacy. We are the best of friends, and wonderful parents to our children ….but there is no passion, no desire, no physical affection expressed beyond that of hugs and a peck on the cheek now and then.

    We crawl into a warm bed each and every night … and our house is filled with kindness, and laughter, and fun. But years have passed since we’ve made love. I can’t even remember what sex is … or how I would even go about such things now.

    Of course, the problem began years and years and years ago … from the very beginning we were destined for failure in this area because we NEVER talked about it.

    Make no doubt, while I realize that it takes two to tango … this is entirely my fault. I’ve failed as a man and a husband. I tried to deal with issues of low self-esteem and fears of rejection in silence … issues that plagued me before and after I was married. I made countless mistakes trying to ‘find myself’ … mistakes that could have ruined my life and torn apart my family. Somehow, I managed to turn myself around and find peace within myself. But it took a long time. Time that could have been better spent focusing on her…her needs…her wants…our life together.

    But regardless of the demons I faced alone, my wife and I lacked physical chemistry from the very start. Things may have improved if we only would have talked about intimacy …and tried to make it a priority in our lives. Unfortunately, we did not …and now, after 20 years, we both sit in silent denial … almost assuredly hoping and praying that the issue doesn’t bother the other.

    We are just room-mates now. Great friends that pay the bills, look after our children, and move forward, day by day … secure and safe and appreciated … but nothing more. I have no doubt that we love each other dearly, but I doubt being ‘in love’ is something either of us have felt for a very, very, very long time.

    It’s disheartening and painful. And I only have myself to blame.

    Anyway, I didn’t mean or intend to sabotage the comments here.

    I truly just wanted to congratulate you both for having the vision, clarity, strength, and trust in each other to get the intimacy issue out in the open.

    You found a way enrich your marriage – and for that, I applaud you.

    I wish I would have read this 15 years ago.

    Sincerely,
    N.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      December 31, 2016 at 1:18 pm

      I sincerely thank you so much for taking the time to comment and share your story. I feel for you so much, and you will be in my prayers. All I can say is keep praying, keep working at it, and keep loving each other. I don’t believe that it is ever too late to make things the way God intends for them to be, and I think He wants a beautiful love for the two of you. If you’re both willing to take small steps, I know that He can do big things! Thank you so much for allowing me a glimpse into your story!

  • Reply
    Juloe
    November 23, 2016 at 12:24 am

    Thank you Carisa for sharing such a personal side of yourself. I found it interesting where you speak about connecting with yourself and fear.

    I do not know how true this is to all women but I know it is true of me. Like you I had a couple of previous partners and sadly, you could say I dealt with sex.

    My husband and I are separated and about to get a divorce. We still remain good friends but due to several issues in our marriage it is highly unlikely we will get back together.

    My issues have come down to child sexual abuse and also rape. To add to the equation I fell ill when I was 40 and have severe spinal and nerve issues. My husband worked away most of our marriage mainly due to a chronic gambling addiction which I was unaware of before we got married.

    Over the years I tried to help with his addiction however I was an enabler. I paid the mortgage, bills etc. He never went without sex on the 1 1/2 days he came home however I became more and more distant during sex. I look back now and partly it was resentment for the gambling everything he earnt over 2,000 a week and also the pain due to the nerves in my spine; legs; groin and vagina. As I mentioned I endured it, no matter how painful.

    Like you I had issue with my religion and tried so hard to make my marriage work. I said my vows and even to this day I meant every word, no matter how hard things became. I suggested counselling with a disabled counselor; marriage counselling; you name it I suggested it but he was not interest or possibly honest with himself.

    Sadly I took on an extra load of guilt for the two of us, which of course was not helping matters.

    My husbands family live overseas and I was to join him on one trip. He became angry when I told him I was not well enough to go. Ironically when we spoke, which was daily he told me he was glad I did not go as I would not have been able to do the trip. Phew for me!!

    On his way home he stopped off in Bangkok and told me he could not wait to get home. For the first time in 3 weeks I stopped hearing from him after the last chat and message. He met a Thai lady and fell in ??? in 2 days.

    When he got home he kept getting really drunk for about a month and very snappy. One night a message came through on his phone and I happened to see it. He had been conversing with her and of course I asked the obvious question of what happened and did he sleep with her. He told me no however he was very confused. That was a year ago now and since then I received a phone call about a month ago telling me he has been unfaithful and how ashamed he is of himself.

    Recently we talked and he say how confused he is but not matter what his love will always be with me but knowing my values and faith in God for moralistic reasons cannot ask me to take him back. I have no malice as I know the past 10 years with my health has been hard but it has made me sad did not value our love, commitment and vows.

    Ironically he recently bulged 4 discs and having no one to support or look after him I asked him to come to my place as I know how bad that pain is. In all these years he blamed me for my health and he apologised as he realised how bad the pain is for me and that I live with it 24hrs a day. I am bedridden 85 to 90% of the time, with limited walking maybe 20 metres on a good day and a wheelchair the rest.

    Maybe one day I will research and write something similar to what you have however living with addiction such as pornography and ill health.

    There is not a great deal of support in a positive way to help marriages work when so many things are compounding it. It also takes a strong person to stay committed in a situation such as mine and I admire them the more for it.

    I know in my heart and I know as God shines down on me, I went above and beyond to for fill my love; loyalty; commitment and vows. Even today knowing my husband really has no support network, I will always be there for him, not as his wife but as his friend.

    Again thank you for you candid article, I enjoyed it immensely.

    Julie

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      December 31, 2016 at 1:10 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such an honest and heartfelt comment, Julie! I’m sorry it has taken me so long to reply, but I’m curious as to how you and your husband are doing? I pray that things are better! Your strength and the decision to do whatever you can to support the man you said your vows to is something that we all can look up to. I would greatly love to read any post you would write on this topic!

  • Reply
    Chell Bee (@iamChellBee)
    November 22, 2016 at 12:22 pm

    I love this. So insightful, I was a little nervous because of the title. But it was really eye opening. “guy thing” and “not in the mood” omg I feel awful. I definitely need to commit to trying an intimacy experiment of my own. Marriage takes effort intimacy included.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      December 31, 2016 at 1:07 pm

      Absolutely! Don’t worry, girl! I think a lot more women struggle with this than we think, and it’s still something we have to work through each day! It just takes time, effort, and prayer!

  • Reply
    Elaine
    November 21, 2016 at 10:59 am

    Thank you so much for your honesty! This is beautiful! I love your blog! I truly hope to have an impact on other women as you have had with your blog. And I noticed you have quotes from the Unveiled Wife, her devotional Wife After God has been my inspirtation for beginning my blog just a couple weeks ago. It has completely changed how I feel about my marriage and my husband. And it’s so refreshing to find a blog like yours. SO refreshing! You have inspired me to be completely honest and “unveiled” in my next post. THANK YOU!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      December 31, 2016 at 1:05 pm

      Thank you so much. That means the world to me! I’m going to have to check that book AND your blog out!

  • Reply
    Kelley
    November 20, 2016 at 6:16 pm

    Thank you for sharing. We too, mostly me, had some intimacy issues after the honeymoon. Through reading an a conversation with a very close friend a few years older we found ways to make everything work. Now that we are senior citizens we have a whole different set of problems. Scheduling time worked well for us.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      December 31, 2016 at 1:03 pm

      Thanks so much for taking the time to share! It’s so encouraging that you found something that worked for you ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    November 15, 2016 at 11:50 pm

    This was very honest and candid and I thank u. I’ve been married 21 years and we just started like last year learning how I could have an orgasm… I’m married to a pastor. We were both very uneducated. He started looking on YouTube and pinterest and other Christian marriage sites. Thank u again…
    And we r really enjoying each other.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      December 31, 2016 at 1:02 pm

      I’m so happy to hear that the two of you are working on your intimacy! Thank you so much for being so honest and taking the time to comment!

  • Reply
    Tori
    October 25, 2016 at 2:25 pm

    I am so glad I came across you blog! I have just recently (and by recent I mean like last week LOL) started reading and practicing submission to my husband. We have been together for almost 8 years and married for 3 years. He is not a believer but I am and after a huge fight that almost ended with the dreaded “D” word, I prayed and did a lot of reading. The one thing that kept coming up in my reading is Submission, I figured it was God’s way of telling me to stop looking and reading and just start doing! This past week I have done things with a completely different outlook. I look forward to reading more of your posts! Thank you!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      October 31, 2016 at 4:28 pm

      Way to take that first step toward submission! It is definitely hard, but worth it!

  • Reply
    Richard
    September 23, 2016 at 7:36 pm

    Kudos, Carisa. I am impressed with the way that you and your husband delt with this issue. I wish that me and my ex could have been that grown up about about it. Speeking from the man’s perspective you got it right, Unfortunately we will very seldom clue in the woman in our lives about what and how we feel, but it really is that connection that comes from that intimacy that we crave, we just don’t cop to it because we think that it will make us look weak to our spouses. Boils down to pride I guess. Thank you for sharing your story with the world, hopefully it will help more couples figure it out before it is to late.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      September 25, 2016 at 6:46 am

      Thanks for taking the time to read and give a man’s perspective! I think pride is definitely one of the things keeping men from opening up, and both sides need to work to make things better. ๐Ÿ™‚ Have a great day!

    • Reply
      Sara
      September 27, 2016 at 5:13 pm

      Hey carina. I couldn’t help but cry as I read your article . I have so many things burdening me. I fail at all of these and often feel angry or not good enough. Is there any way you would be interested in emailing me privately so I can share with you? I would love your advice. I have no one to talk to

      • Reply
        Carisa Alford
        October 5, 2016 at 12:19 am

        I would definitely love to chat ๐Ÿ™‚ I answer all my correspondence myself, so I may not get back for a day or two, but you can always reach out through my contact me page or by email at carisa@becominghiscrown.com ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Reply
      Bre
      October 10, 2016 at 8:37 pm

      Thank you so much for your bravery and writing this. I’m eager to look more into your resources ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Reply
    Louisa
    September 20, 2016 at 9:09 am

    I was in a similar situation. I was dreading sex and always trying to be in the mood. My husband strugling here and there. I had seven kids and was trying to homschool them all. I realised that my marriage needed me more then my kids did so I gave up homeschooling. Then my spouse and I came a cross a Sensate focuss challenge. It helped us learn that I too could be just as aroused as him, it just takes my longer. So we have slowed down our for play. Now I pretty much enjoy sex more then my spouse somtimes. When we wait until we are both aroused before intercourse it ads a whole new dimension to our intimacy that leaves us both absolutely astounded.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      September 23, 2016 at 7:35 am

      I’m so glad to hear that things have improved for you! Keep working together!

  • Reply
    Veronica
    September 19, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    This is a great article! But what if it’s the other way around? We are newlyweds so it’s a tough one getting through this first year but I’m always up for having sex anytime with my husband but the last few months he has pulled back tremendously. I have no idea what happened and have mentioned that I don’t think we have sex enough and pointed out the amount has dramatically gotten lower since we first got married. I tell him how attracted I am to him and compliment all that he does but nothing seems to work him to want to have sex more often. I think it is so odd to have a higher sex drive then a guy cause they always say men have it higher and women need to be more serving in that area……but it’s the complete opposite it seems. I would do anything to fix this so any advice would be appreciated ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Reply
    Ellice
    September 19, 2016 at 11:53 am

    Thanks for sharing! I would encourage you to continue sharing on this topic :).

  • Reply
    Maria Ortolano
    August 26, 2016 at 9:59 am

    Carisa,

    What if you struggle with body image? I’m overweight and hate how I look. I also have fibromyalgia, so the pain gets in the way a lot, and I have low progesterone as well. I never think about sex. Ever. My husband is gorgeous, so it’s not him. I have no libido. What do I do?

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      August 27, 2016 at 4:54 pm

      Keep trying! I suggest diving into some marriage development material, and I listed some of my favorite books in the post, so I would definitely check those out! Keep praying about it and stay strong, but take this challenge on and find what will make you more confident and more interested in sex!

    • Reply
      Francesca Gunn
      September 2, 2016 at 4:48 pm

      Maria, I am in the same boat as you. I have been trying with some essential oils for both the fibro and the low sex drive. Seems to help but like Carisa said, the best thing that has worked for me is to just have sex even if you THINK you don’t want to. Once you start, you will feel better emotionally and physically. I find that I sleep better those nights that I do, too.

  • Reply
    Tiffani
    August 3, 2016 at 9:13 pm

    What were specific things you did to start sharing “all” of yourself. I struggle greatly with just giving my body. The vulnerability is intoxicating to me at times… I am tired of this but we can’t seem to figure it out.

  • Reply
    Tiffani
    August 3, 2016 at 9:10 pm

    I have a ton I could say or go into… But one thing that really stood out to me was the part about giving your body but not your soul… I struggle greatly with this. What were some specific things you did to change that. It’s such an intense feeling and very hard to over look.

  • Reply
    Mary Ann
    July 27, 2016 at 4:34 pm

    Thank you for sharing . I had a similar experience only it was a vicious cycle for more than 20 yrs. I was angry, hurt, and had lost the ability to desire my husband. I missed feeling desire first and didn’t like having to play physical and emotional catch up. Four years ago we joined a Christian Church and the pastor there was able to help him understand. There has been a lot of prayer and work but finally feeling like myself and like us. God can restore and I am so grateful.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      July 28, 2016 at 4:59 pm

      He sure can! I am so happy that you are feeling good again, and I know that God will restore your marriage fully!

  • Reply
    Steff
    July 19, 2016 at 9:16 am

    This situation is what im going through right now. It has been on my heart for so many months bow. My husband and I both love the Lord and one another very much, but we have been so wrapped up in work, the children, and so on that we have lost eachother. Ive cried, prayed and pleaded for a miracle in my marriage. Im not sure how i found your message or rather post on this subject but im so Happy that I did. Im glad you had the courage to step out of the box and talk and touch on a very touchy and intimate subject that most people are to ashamed or embarrassed to talk about. I really needed to read this, Thank you and your husband for sharing …

    Steff

    • Reply
      Anna
      July 20, 2016 at 4:05 pm

      This is exactly what I needed today!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      July 22, 2016 at 4:10 pm

      I feel so much for you, dear! Keep praying, keep talking, and keep holding on to each other! I have faith that the two of you will find each other again!

  • Reply
    Keri @ Little Light on a Hill
    July 18, 2016 at 2:03 pm

    “I was used to giving my body, but not my heart and soul as well. I didnโ€™t know how to be the complete, vulnerable, responsive, servant lover that my husband deserved me to be. I was scared!” – It’s like this sentence was pulled right out of my heart. I am getting married in a month and since the beginning of our relationship we decided to be physically pure with one another regardless of what he had or hadn’t done with other people. We knew that we had to be strong from the beginning of the relationship or it would be harder to stay true to being pure. Thankfully I can say we have stayed 100% true to that desire to saty pure. But I find myself worried that after a year and a half of dating and NOT being physical we might have a hard time adjusting to being married and being physical. For me especially, because as you said I was used to giving my body but not being totally vulnerable to someone. Now that we are emotionally vulnerable and are promising ourselves to the other in marriage I fear that making the transition will be hard. Thank you for these open and honest words! I’m praying my fiance and I make a smooth transition but am saving this post for later just in case ๐Ÿ™‚ Blessings to you!!

    http://www.littlelightonahill.com

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      July 22, 2016 at 4:09 pm

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! I’m so blessed that this was a blessing to you! Congrats on staying pure, and keep up the prayers! You are going to enjoy married life so much!

      • Reply
        Keri @ Little Light on a Hill
        September 9, 2016 at 7:52 am

        Update: We have been married for three weeks now and the transition from not being physically intimate with each other while dating to being married and sexually active with one another was not a difficult one! It was so worth waiting with him. I had unfortunately not saved myself in other relationships so I thought that baggage would affect us but so far it hasn’t. I just wanted to give an update so others can be encouraged that it IS possible and SO worth it to not be physical with your partner. Even if you don’t have a pure past, you can have a pure future. It’s hard, but well worth it! Love the encouragement from this post and this blog. It’s a blessing to me and I’m sure to so many others as well!! Blessings!

        • Reply
          Carisa Alford
          September 10, 2016 at 3:17 am

          i am so happy to read this! Thank you so much for your encouragement!

  • Reply
    Megan
    July 5, 2016 at 2:57 pm

    This is perfect. I needed to read this and it spoke straight to me. Thanks for being willing to share your struggles!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      July 5, 2016 at 4:03 pm

      I am so glad that you found this helpful! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Reply
      Jenny
      July 12, 2016 at 10:34 pm

      Thanks, Carisa! This was super ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Reply
        Carisa Alford
        July 13, 2016 at 1:49 pm

        Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to reply!

  • Reply
    Nancy
    July 4, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    Can I just say wow oh wow?!!! I cannot thank you enough for writing this! Thank you for the courage it took to write about a sensitive subject. I have been married for 36 years and struggle with a lot of things that you talked about. I feel like the enemy has robbed us of what God has meant for good.
    I am truly thankful for you! I will be sending this to my sister and daughters.
    Keep em coming girl!
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart! ๐Ÿ’œ

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      July 4, 2016 at 5:10 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read and leave such a heartfelt comment! It means so much to me that you would share this with those you love! ๐Ÿ™‚ Have a blessed holiday!

  • Reply
    Nicole
    July 2, 2016 at 2:36 pm

    Great article and very inspiring thank you!!!

  • Reply
    Eli
    June 30, 2016 at 2:12 am

    Thank you so much for sharing that personal information with us. You are allowing God to use all the areas of your life for His glory!
    It is so useful and I believe that many women can relate.
    When we are intimate with Jesus and we pray that our Beloved reveals to us HOW He wants us to love the person we are married with, things will definitely change if we follow through. God knows your husband better than anyone, I’m sure He will love sharing some “tips” on how he works. ๐Ÿ™‚ Be blessed!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      July 3, 2016 at 8:10 am

      Yes yes, double yes! I love that! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and offering that super valuable comment! When we add Jesus into the mix, good things can and will happen!

  • Reply
    Kaylah
    June 28, 2016 at 6:32 am

    I can relate to so much of what you said here. I made some of the very same changes as you, without making my husband aware of my efforts. Within two weeks I noticed him becoming much more aware of me and my needs again. Much more affectionate, and a lot more willing in general. I’d suggest this read for others. ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฝ

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      June 29, 2016 at 3:31 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! I love hearing that we aren’t alone in this! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’m so glad that you’ve seen such positive changes in your marriage! Let’s spread the word on the importance of marital sex!

  • Reply
    KV
    June 18, 2016 at 11:13 am

    My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years and have had many very difficult struggles. Intimacy has been one of the biggest ones, but through a lot of prayer and tears and open, raw honesty, we are at a point where our intimacy goes far far far beyond the physical. The main thing I would add to this post is communication. It takes being totally open and honest with each other about everything; fears, hurts, frustrations, needs. Other than that this is a very helpful post. I’m still always looking for ways to encourage intimacy in our relationship and found this really encouraging. Thanks for posting!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      June 19, 2016 at 10:44 pm

      Communication is huge! Thanks so much for adding that and taking the time to read! It’s so encouraging to hear from other married women!

  • Reply
    Danielle
    June 18, 2016 at 9:21 am

    This was such a wonderful post! We’re in that difficult spiral as well, due to our second pregnancy. It’s frustrating when you know what you have to do, but aren’t physically to do anything about it for another six months. But that’s why we pray! Looking forward to reviewing your resources, and of course to have this baby and get back to it! We’ll be exploring activities to do together like going to the gym and such, for those times we are fertile and can’t be intimate. I’m not good at being pregnant! I’m very lucky my hubs is so willing to work together using Natural Family Planning ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      July 3, 2016 at 8:09 am

      I use natural family planning as well! It’s great! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment! I have faith that you two will find the perfect way to move forward and connect. Just keep trying always!

  • Reply
    Kimberly
    June 18, 2016 at 8:31 am

    Great topic girl! Well done!

  • Reply
    Michele Massoni
    June 16, 2016 at 11:40 pm

    Thank you for sharing what I know must have been extremely hard to write! I am going on 16 years married this month, and I am very much the same (for different reasons). It is more a need to re-connect after becoming empty nesters, a disability for me, difficult relationship issues we overcame that our children caused, etc. It is so important but is the first place to suffer most times. Thanks again!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      June 17, 2016 at 2:50 am

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I think that a lot of us can connect with some of your struggles! Keep pushing forward and leaning on God! ๐Ÿ™‚

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